Plan your marriage before you plan your wedding

Why so many people divorce in the United States and in the rest of the developed world? Last week we talked about how cohabitation influence divorce and how a lack of commitment is the main problem (https://thoughtsaboutfam.blogspot.com/2022/02/the-risk-of-cohabitation.html#more).

Maybe the problems are not starting in the marriage after the wedding but are already present before it. This week I want to talk about the engagement period and how it affects the married couple.

The engagement period starts when the man usually proposes to the girlfriend to marry him. This first step is essential and shows a lot how the relationship between the couple will develop. The recent trend of proposing in public or in front of family members is clearly not the best way to propose. The audience usually puts pressure on the woman to say yes in order not to hurt the man’s feeling and embarrass him in front of everyone, but that’s not really the issue, because usually, when a man proposes, he does it already with a strong idea that the partner will accept. The problem is that this important moment is very private and intimate. It should be done privately between the couple and not in front of anyone. Everything we do during courtship and engagement shows our partner what kind of person we are, we are our priorities and what we care about. Are we more interested on ourselves, on how we look in front of other people on our social media or we are interested on how our partner feel and our private and sacred time together? Maybe we should consider our priorities and the ones of our future spouse.

The most important thing we do during our engagement is considering with our fiancée and drawing the boundaries our family will have. What kind of boundaries will a couple have when even some of their intimate moments are shared publicly?

During the engagement period is the time to plan our marriage and plan how we want to live. Even if the couple will not be dating anymore (as they will be married), they will have to plan how often they want to go on dates, how they want to spend their money and their time. Important topics like how many children they want to have and how they want to raise their children should be discussed and taken in consideration.

Planning their marriage is essential but also planning a wedding ceremony is fairly important. Usually, the planning of the wedding is made by the bride and the mother of him or her but that is a wasted opportunity for the couple to bond together and to learn about each other, how they plan, what they like and other things like that. A couple should plan together their wedding day. It is essential that the wedding doesn’t indebt the couple as starting a new family from zero and be difficult and starting a new family from a mountain of debt is one of the biggest mistake a couple can do. While the wedding is a special time between the couple it should be shared with as many people as possible because then more people are invested in helping the couple when problems arise, and the couple has a bigger “support system” in place for them.

Overall, the message is always the same, counsel with your partner and prepare for the marriage together. The best thing a couple can do is to discuss the boundaries the want for their family. Every family should have clear and healthy boundaries that help its members experience privacy and sociability.