The risk of cohabitation

In the times we live in cohabitation is very normal. People usually say they decided to cohabitate because they want to know each other better before taking the big step of marriage. It sounds then, that cohabitation is the way to go, and it may seem an important step to take in order to have a strong and long-lasting marriage in these times where divorces are on the rise.

Why then, in all the studies that have been made, now and in the past, the rate of divorce is always higher among those who cohabitated before marriage compared to those that did not?

There are many reasons for why this happens and, in this blog, I’m just going to discuss a few.

First, let’s analyze the differences between cohabitation and traditional marriage. Cohabitation has a very low commitment level, there I some commitment towards your partner but it is not nearly as high as the commitment present in a marriage, but on the other hand, cohabitation as we discuss it has the goal to prepare for marriage and see if we like to live with our partner. Unfortunately, in many cases, cohabitation is taking the place of marriage now and people don’t marry even though they have children and enjoy living together. This is because people fear commitments and of responsibilities and want to ripe the joys of family life without the responsibilities associated.

But let’s go back to the ones that cohabitate with the intent of marrying, why do they divorce more? One of the major issues is that cohabitations often is not a choice but something that happens, something that people find themselves into. Why is that? As a couple is dating more and more, the lovers spend always more time together, often they sleep at each other place and, for commodity, they might leave clothes and personal products there and then, before they even realize, they move in together, sometimes even for financial reasons.

This two people are now cohabitating but, did they do it with the goal of getting married? Are they engaged? Or is it a thing that just happened? Anyway, cohabitation is not that bad right? If you do not like the other person anymore you can always break up right?

Oxytocin is a powerful hormone responsible for the attachment we have to other people. When a woman gives birth, the contractions she has produce large quantities of oxytocin and that helps her feel extremely attached to the child. Oxytocin is also responsible to produce milk in the body of the mother. This hormone is released also during the sexual intercourse and other amorous physical actions.

When a man and a woman start to live together it is obvious that their sexual life will become more prominent in their relationship. This will produce oxytocin, especially in the woman’s body, and that will create a “fake” attachment between the partners. I say fake just because it means that the partners now, are staying together because of this hormone. The love in the couple is literally a love that come from the sexual intercourse and not from what the lovers do or how they treat each other. This is why, when difficulties come in the marriage, the couple breaks as the foundations of their relationship were not strong enough or even inexistent.

Another problem with this frequent sexual life of two people not entirely committed to one another is that the probability of having a child is extremely higher than when they were not cohabitating and a child in the family comes with great emotional and financial challenges and also many responsibilities.

This often leads to marriage with someone we do not fondly love and are committed to, but someone that we were just dating and we ended up living with.